Poorly Constructed Scam

There are many

At least once a week, I get a message of some sort, trying to prey on my desire to have a book published. I’ll get an email from Hachette Book Publisher or, like, Haarper Colllins Marketing and Money Directive (ok, not that one, but yes to the fake Hachette thing) saying they will help me get my book more publicity and sales.

I delete the messages without responding. Sometimes they send me another email a week later saying, “Hi, just making sure you saw my amazing offer to help your books fly off the shelves!” No thank you. (I mean, yes, I want my books to fly off the shelves, sure, but I’m not paying a scammer to…probably do nothing.)

And then, once a month, I get a call on my home phone (landline) saying something like “we saw your book Help Wanted: One Rooster, and we can help you get it on Amazon!” (It’s already on Amazon.)

One time, about five years ago, my kid answered the phone and brought it to me (“It sounds important? Something about your book?”) and I did talk to the scammer for a little while, mostly because I wanted to understand what even they were wanting.

Scam person: We want to talk to you about getting your book No Boring Stories on Amazon.

Me: My book is on Amazon.

Scam person: Right, and we can help put it there.

And it kind of devolved from there, and ended with me explaining that I have a publisher, and an agent, and my book is already widely available, and what did they want? And then they hung up on me.

I’m telling you this because I understand spending years writing the book of your heart and wanting so much for it to be published, but I want you to know that a publisher, editor, agent, or book person will never call you unsolicited on the phone. They won’t send you an email out of the blue. An agent or editor will not ask for a payment to get your book published. But I know, from all of the literary scams out there,¹ that some of them are more sophisticated than others, and that people do fall for them.

The way to get your book published is to first write a good book. And maybe you do pay to self publish, but that’s your choice. You do it because you want to and you understand self publishing, not because someone called you out of the blue and asked for payment to make your dreams happen.

Here is a call I just received. It’s silly.

Transcript (with notes):

Hi, good afternoon, I would like to leave a message for Julie Falatko. Julie, my name is Michael Lockwood. I'm a senior literary agent for [????]² Press. and the purpose of my phone call, Julie, is because your book, A Sophia Special,³ was endorsed to me⁴ by one of our book scouts a week ago.

It actually went into review process⁵ with him, and it ranked number seven out of twelve⁶ in prospects that we’d like to push for in this next season.

I was hoping to have a conversation with you about it. I would like to know if you're still pushing it.⁷

At the same time I'd like to talk about the opportunity or the possibility of us working together in order for you to be represented to each of our⁸ publishing companies.⁹

I would like to know your goals, plans,¹⁰ experiences from it for me to determine on what are the ways or methods that I'm going to use in order to close that contract on your behalf.¹¹

So, if you're still pushing the book, and if you'd like to have it in a wider market and making sure the book is being pushed and not stagnant?¹² Kindly give me a phone call at this phone number, so we can discuss further.

Fail Better Club starts on Monday! If you are a paying subscriber, you can send me one of your Stagnant Sevens (because I’m totally making that a thing) and I’ll tell you how I think you could fix it. (OK FOR SURE I am seeing that it sounds like I am scamming you, when I say that after including the above. I can’t really figure out how to make it seem otherwise now.)

1. Check Writer Beware, or the Author’s Guild Scam Alert.

2. Bre na sinchon? I have no idea what he’s saying. Green and St. John?

3. This is a particularly hilarious book for them to highlight, because it’s one I wrote in partnership with Driscoll’s Berries (work for hire), and Driscoll’s took the lead on all marketing and publicity. If he really wanted to help push the book in some unique way, he should contact Driscoll’s, not me.

4. This is such an AI way of saying it. Like, imagine if I read a book and was recommending it to you, and I said, “I have a book to endorse to you.”

5. Is this like fake acquisitions for scammers? idk

6. Oh, seven out of twelve. Yeah, ok. (Seven out of twelve WHAT?) I’m assuming this is to make me think my book is good but not great, and they can help me get it over some hurdle toward being a twelve out of twelve book.

7. All this talk of pushing the book. So aggressive. We all know that books need to be gently and lovingly taken to a meadow where we, the authors, open our palm to release our books, so they can take wing and fly.

8. I think this is what he says? He needs to get a better phone.

9. Working together to be represented to their publishing companies is almost meaningless.

10. LOL, you and me both, buddy.

11. Pretty sure he’s reading aloud from AI-written word salad. This means nothing.

12. Ha, more making me feel bad about my book. It’s a seven, and probably stagnant.