Your Only Goal is to Stay Alive
Your Only Goal is to Stay Alive
Let me start by saying I hope you and your loved ones are well. The last 45 days have been an extremely weird time, to say the least. So much has happened and also nothing much has happened.
Some time in mid-March, my 16-year-old Henry asked me "Is this what the SARS outbreak was like?" and I had to tell him no. I know he was looking for some assurance that I'd been through something like this before, but I haven't. And neither have you. So how are you doing?
I hope that you're in my situation, which is that the worst part of this pandemic is inconvenience. I'm already set up to work from home. My biggest problems right now are making sure we have enough toilet paper and planning to go to the grocery store as infrequently as possible. More than anything, I'm incredibly grateful that we're able to weather this fairly easily. I know how lucky we are.
Right at the beginning of the shelter-in-place orders, there was a lot of talk of creative people through history who produced novels or theories or other works of brilliance during a pandemic, and I was so overwhelmed by that. Definitely March was taken up by wondering how all this was going to go, trying to control what I could, and keeping my family safe. I did have one deadline, and I worked on that, but otherwise I didn't have a lot of extra brain space for, you know, coming up with something brilliant.
But we've been at this for many weeks now, and perhaps you've hit a sort of stride. You've become a little bored with your anxieties, though they're still there. You're sleeping better, if not exactly well.
What have you learned about your work and your working habits now that all your other obligations have fallen away? What are you finding out about yourself, now that you are spending so much time alone? Perhaps you've realized that your days previously seemed productive because they were filled with activities and events and meetings, and now that those events are gone, you wonder what productivity really means. Perhaps your ability to talk to people out in the world made you feel like you were getting something done.
And now...what? What do you do when there's nothing on your schedule?
First I would say to be gentle with yourself. Your biggest goal during this time is really to make it through alive. If you do nothing but that, you succeeded. This is HARD.
But, also: maybe you're bored. You're at home, you're feeling all right, and you've been meaning to work on Project X for the past five years. So, yes, right now WOULD be a good time to do a little something on it. I'll say it again: be gentle with yourself. Some of the work you do might be terrible. What matters is starting.
This morning I listened to the episode of Deadline City with Kate Elliott, and two things stood out to me: one was Kate Elliott saying to give yourself "permission to suck." YES. Don't expect instant genius. Keep doing the work, keep giving yourself permission to suck, and you'll get to that brilliant work eventually. The second thing was that you shouldn't try to be someone else when you're doing something creative. Whether you outline, plan, don't plan, know your ending, hate revisions, love revisions, write fast, write slowly, whatever: that's your process. You can play around with other methods to see how they feel, but ultimately the way you work is the way you work. It's how YOU create. Just because someone else does it a different way doesn't mean you should. Your way works for YOU. Don't worry about it. Just do the work.
All right. Now here's a list of things that are on my mind. These are in no particular order. This is how my brain is working these days: I have enough brain space to write the above paragraphs, but not enough to organize the following list.
We have been watching a lot more television and movies than we usually do. We've been working our way through 30 Rock, Frasier, and Seinfeld, and have watched twice as many movies as we normally do. I've been getting a lot of movie recommendations from Boston's Brattle Theatre's virtual programming (and I've really been enjoying their podcast, with one of my oldest friends Ian as a cohost). Don't miss a young Jodie Foster in Candleshoe!
I did a daily Instagram Live reading at the beginning of sheltering in place, and it was fun, but also completely draining. I felt like I needed to do something, and I'm glad I did, but that daily reading was ALL I could do. So I stopped. And now I am feeling a tiny bit more balanced, because I've been getting in writing and other creativity when I can. There are still some people (Ruth Chan, Mac Barnett, and more) who are managing to do regular "shows" and I am in awe. They're so great. My 9-year-old Ramona has been loving Avery Monson's Super Secret Secret Club, which has a production level that is astounding at any time, but especially during a pandemic.
I like this NY Times article about being thoughtful in our online shopping right now, particularly what it says about buying from companies that you want to exist when all this is over. We've gotten a lot of books from one of our local independent bookstores, Print (support your local bookstore directly or through Bookshop), as well as stationary and art supply bundles from Bookstore Plus and Loyalty Books. I've gotten some new dresses from Herself, Bliss, and Able Jane (also check Kurier for my favorite clogs and bags; and Ocean + D for jewelry, vintage treats, and gifts). I've gotten postcards from Buy Olympia, coffee and a Chemex from Coffee By Design, a kickass biscuit recipe from Tandem Coffee Roasters, candles from Standard Wax, and flour from Maine Grains. I want these businesses to exist in a year, so I'm supporting them right now. You probably have local or independent shops that you love. If you're able to, maybe get something or a gift certificate from them right now. (I will admit that I feel conflicted about making our mail carrier or package delivery person bring something to our house. Maybe the answer is to get a bunch of gift certificates for future use, or to only get things you can get through curbside pickup. I will say, selfishly, that it has been a highlight of the week whenever a package of fun things shows up.)
When I've had trouble getting my brain to form sentences, I've been playing around with painting and drawing. It's been a long time since I've done either, and I definitely have a big case of Beginner's Mind, but that's fine. I drew a comic and stuck it on Instagram. It felt good to make SOMETHING. I've also been watching some painting and drawing videos on Bluprint, CreativeBug, and a class called Inspiration is Everywhere.
Do you know about the app How We Feel? It's gathering data on COVID-19 symptoms, and making donations to Feeding America for every download. I have been interested (and somewhat alarmed) to see the numbers of people who have reported not feeling well in my zip code.
I started making sourdough in January, which is either a coincidence, or I was part of some global consciousness that knew it was a skill I'd need to have. I saw this Instagram post by Kirsten Ackerman and I'm still thinking about it.
Eat what you can. If someone is telling you that now is the perfect time to get in tiptop shape, tell them to please go away. Again: your goal right now is to stay alive. THAT SAID, I know I need to exercise every day. Not to get in tiptop shape, but so I don't start yelling at everyone once 3 pm rolls around. There is a direct correlation between my morning exercise and my level of grumpiness in the mid to late afternoon (in case it's not clear: if I don't exercise, I am very grumpy). There are a bunch of apps which are free right now, and I'm taking advantage: Down Dog (which is the yoga app I was already using -- I love it), Peloton, and Fit On. I have also been meditating using both Calm and Insight Timer, and I love them both.
Sometimes pulling one of these Pocket Mantras and leaving it out on my desk is the only thing that keeps me going.
I did manage to make some face masks for my family. This is the tutorial I used, and I thought the resulting mask was as comfortable as a face mask can get.
If you did manage to write something over the past six weeks, and now you're not sure how to revise it, let me recommend my friend Lindsay Eagar's Creative Revisionist Course (the link will go live on Friday). Lindsay is a genius at creating and crafting (and FIXING) stories, and she has walked me through so many of my own revisions. Being friends with Lindsay has made me a better writer. She's so patient and so knowledgeable. I promise that if you're ready to tackle a revision, this course will totally rock your world (and your manuscript).
Finally: two Saturdays ago, my 14-year-old Eli wasn't feeling well. His stomach hurt. We let it go all day, figuring he maybe ate something weird, and he lay in bed and tried to sleep. At around 6 pm he was completely unable to move because he was in so much pain, so I called his doctor, who said it sounded like appendicitis and that we should go to the ER. My first reaction was, "NO!" Everyone is telling us to stay at home! And you know what is the OPPOSITE of staying at home right now? Going to the hospital! But she assured me that it would be fine, and that we had to go. We did have to go. He definitely had appendicitis. We wore masks the whole time. There were no other patients there.. And, because of the pandemic, they didn't want us to stay. We got there at 6:30, they took out his appendix at midnight, and we were back home by 2 am.
Once we got to the hospital, everything was so calm. I thought it was some maternal instinct kicking in, that I was trying to stay calm for Eli. But later I realized what it was: here were all these experts who were telling me what the problem was, what was going to happen, and when it would be over. Part of the anxiety of what is happening right now is the lack of control, and not knowing when it will be over. But to have medical professionals (THANK YOU, MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS) saying, "here's the big scary thing, but it'll be fine, and you'll be home by 4" was so reassuring.
I can't tell you when all this will be over. I do strongly believe that those of us who can, need to stay home as much as possible. Even if you're bored, even if your roots are showing, even if if looks like a toddler did it when you paint your own nails. Watch a movie, read a book, learn to cook, be bored. Throw a tantrum in your kitchen. Have a family dance party. But stay alive. Stay home, so the rest of us can stay alive. We'll get through this! As long as you all stay home and watch Candleshoe.
