Yes! I swear you always talk about what I’m thinking about 😂 I’m trying to do the same thing. I recently had a huge epiphany about the source of my people pleasing which has helped me rewire my brain a bit to change my reactionary response. I realize that I often please people because I want to be kind and be seen as kind -- part of that is to protect myself and calm my anxiety. My brain thinks, “if I’m kind, people will be kind back and I’ll be safe.” Which isn’t always true. And also not so great since I’m sometimes using kindness to try to control my environment 😂 Totally a trauma response! But now that I understand this about myself, I’m finally making some progress.
I mean, I think using kindness to control your environment in that situation is what you were taught to do (me too!). It's this thing also where we were taught to be nice and kind (which: of course!) and somehow that tipped over into "put your own needs last."
Totally - I’ve been working on defining what kindness really is (kindness to myself first which radiates outward) and creating a sense of safety within myself rather than leaving it up to my environment. I’m not always great at it but it’s helping!
You just described exactly what I've been working on the past year or so. It was a revelation to realize that helping myself, being kind to myself, is actually more helpful to others, in that radiating outward way. It's not even a "put on your oxygen mask first" situation so much as "put on your own oxygen mask, full stop."
Love that! Going with your mask metaphor, I think I was taught that my job was to help everyone with their oxygen masks and that meant I put their mask on for them. But I think it is way more empowering and helpful to put yours on and trust others can put theirs on. And if people need help, they can ask but usually just seeing someone put on a mask is enough for them to do it too. So really the most powerful way to help people is to put on our own masks. Period. I totally agree with you.
Yeah! Stuff like that where we think we're being nice but then when we take a step back we realize we're just putting the other people down by implying they can't do it. I've really had to consciously stop doing this with my kids (esp. hard as I didn't really make a conscious note of the transition from the time when they legitimately couldn't do something to when they absolutely could handle it).
Yes! It was a hard truth to face that the thing I was doing to try to validate and support everyone else was actually doing the opposite. But an important one. Being human is complicated 😂
Incredible, something must be in the air, because I have a drafted substack post about this exact thing!
I've been finding out just how much of me and my outward personality stems from needing to be validated and appreciated, rather than my natural self. Does that make sense? It's a process of unpicking, which parts of me are all about people pleasing and which parts are me just doing what I want to do in being nice, doing something for someone else.
Loved listening to this. It's like you plucked things from my brain, made them eloquent, and said them out loud.
YES, that makes total sense, the thing about finding out how much of your personality stems from needing to be validated. It's one reason I realized social media was so tricky for me, because it's such an easy form of validation. And what I really need is inner validation -- knowing deep down inside that I'm doing good work.
Ha, that too! At some point I'll start talking about the internal money issues I'm working on, but I'm still too much in the soup of it right now to say anything helpful.
You are developing healthy selfishness. I find that if I do what I want to do first each day, then everything else gets done. But if I do what others need/want first - unless it's an emergency - then I never have me time.
Practice this phrase when someone asks you to do something you don't wants to do. "Thanks, but asking, but no thanks." No need for an explanation, no need to justify.
60% of the time is pretty good! And YES to the thing about how if you take care of what other people need first, nothing gets done.
The other thing I need to keep working on is really taking that pause when someone comes to me wanting something. Taking a break and really asking myself whether I want/need to do it or not. So often I answer immediately without thinking, and then 30 minutes later realize I don't want to do it at all.
Harrumpf. And I was JUST about to ask Julie to a midnight movie. But nOw.... tsk. tsk. tsk. (I kid, I kid.)
This post makes total sense and I think we've all been there. My way of getting out of anything confrontational (even if it's just confronting in terms of my own psyche or schedule) is to joke about it. "Ha ha, I'll get right to that! Next year! Bwah hah ha!" So I totally get the "joking but only mostly." It's confusing, though, because I also like joking in general. It's only SOMETIMES that I'm not joking, but pass it off as a joke. It's...maybe not the best way to handle all things. #workingonit #slowly
After all this I remembered the only midnight movie I've ever been to (I think), which was (of course) Rocky Horror Picture Show. I know it's already a weird experience, but it was made even weirder by being incredibly tired (I've always been a morning person -- this wasn't, like two months ago).
Oh, yeah, that joking thing: yeah. It's sometimes physically painful for me not to joke about stuff. And mostly I think it's fine but sometimes (the doctor's office, the locker room) it's much, much better to not say anything.
Julie, I don't know why but I find your inclusion of 'the locker room' esp. hysterical. That feels like a super specific example.... #backstory 😂 Have a lovely weekend!
Yes! I swear you always talk about what I’m thinking about 😂 I’m trying to do the same thing. I recently had a huge epiphany about the source of my people pleasing which has helped me rewire my brain a bit to change my reactionary response. I realize that I often please people because I want to be kind and be seen as kind -- part of that is to protect myself and calm my anxiety. My brain thinks, “if I’m kind, people will be kind back and I’ll be safe.” Which isn’t always true. And also not so great since I’m sometimes using kindness to try to control my environment 😂 Totally a trauma response! But now that I understand this about myself, I’m finally making some progress.
I mean, I think using kindness to control your environment in that situation is what you were taught to do (me too!). It's this thing also where we were taught to be nice and kind (which: of course!) and somehow that tipped over into "put your own needs last."
Totally - I’ve been working on defining what kindness really is (kindness to myself first which radiates outward) and creating a sense of safety within myself rather than leaving it up to my environment. I’m not always great at it but it’s helping!
You just described exactly what I've been working on the past year or so. It was a revelation to realize that helping myself, being kind to myself, is actually more helpful to others, in that radiating outward way. It's not even a "put on your oxygen mask first" situation so much as "put on your own oxygen mask, full stop."
Love that! Going with your mask metaphor, I think I was taught that my job was to help everyone with their oxygen masks and that meant I put their mask on for them. But I think it is way more empowering and helpful to put yours on and trust others can put theirs on. And if people need help, they can ask but usually just seeing someone put on a mask is enough for them to do it too. So really the most powerful way to help people is to put on our own masks. Period. I totally agree with you.
Yeah! Stuff like that where we think we're being nice but then when we take a step back we realize we're just putting the other people down by implying they can't do it. I've really had to consciously stop doing this with my kids (esp. hard as I didn't really make a conscious note of the transition from the time when they legitimately couldn't do something to when they absolutely could handle it).
Yes! It was a hard truth to face that the thing I was doing to try to validate and support everyone else was actually doing the opposite. But an important one. Being human is complicated 😂
Incredible, something must be in the air, because I have a drafted substack post about this exact thing!
I've been finding out just how much of me and my outward personality stems from needing to be validated and appreciated, rather than my natural self. Does that make sense? It's a process of unpicking, which parts of me are all about people pleasing and which parts are me just doing what I want to do in being nice, doing something for someone else.
Loved listening to this. It's like you plucked things from my brain, made them eloquent, and said them out loud.
YES, that makes total sense, the thing about finding out how much of your personality stems from needing to be validated. It's one reason I realized social media was so tricky for me, because it's such an easy form of validation. And what I really need is inner validation -- knowing deep down inside that I'm doing good work.
Yeah social media is a whole other can of worms. Here's to a year of looking inwards for validation 🥰
Oh, one other funny thing I thought of when you said, "I want you to pay attention to me" I think you could also say "I want you to pay me." :D
Ha, that too! At some point I'll start talking about the internal money issues I'm working on, but I'm still too much in the soup of it right now to say anything helpful.
You are developing healthy selfishness. I find that if I do what I want to do first each day, then everything else gets done. But if I do what others need/want first - unless it's an emergency - then I never have me time.
Practice this phrase when someone asks you to do something you don't wants to do. "Thanks, but asking, but no thanks." No need for an explanation, no need to justify.
It's all about setting healthy boundaries.
I'm successful at this about 60% of the time. :-)
60% of the time is pretty good! And YES to the thing about how if you take care of what other people need first, nothing gets done.
The other thing I need to keep working on is really taking that pause when someone comes to me wanting something. Taking a break and really asking myself whether I want/need to do it or not. So often I answer immediately without thinking, and then 30 minutes later realize I don't want to do it at all.
For the record, I am 25 years beyond midnight movies so you can relax a bit!
Phew!
I think this is just exactly what I needed to hear this morning. Thanks!
Harrumpf. And I was JUST about to ask Julie to a midnight movie. But nOw.... tsk. tsk. tsk. (I kid, I kid.)
This post makes total sense and I think we've all been there. My way of getting out of anything confrontational (even if it's just confronting in terms of my own psyche or schedule) is to joke about it. "Ha ha, I'll get right to that! Next year! Bwah hah ha!" So I totally get the "joking but only mostly." It's confusing, though, because I also like joking in general. It's only SOMETIMES that I'm not joking, but pass it off as a joke. It's...maybe not the best way to handle all things. #workingonit #slowly
After all this I remembered the only midnight movie I've ever been to (I think), which was (of course) Rocky Horror Picture Show. I know it's already a weird experience, but it was made even weirder by being incredibly tired (I've always been a morning person -- this wasn't, like two months ago).
Oh, yeah, that joking thing: yeah. It's sometimes physically painful for me not to joke about stuff. And mostly I think it's fine but sometimes (the doctor's office, the locker room) it's much, much better to not say anything.
Julie, I don't know why but I find your inclusion of 'the locker room' esp. hysterical. That feels like a super specific example.... #backstory 😂 Have a lovely weekend!